John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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