my phone needs a breathalizer
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
