So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
