I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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