it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
handjob tips. give me some.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
