im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
