Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
