This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
