I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
