I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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