Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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