My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
birth control should be required to get into college
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
