He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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