I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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