I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Two words: blizzard sex
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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