everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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