On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
