I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
