Can Purell be used as lube?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
