I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
