her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
