I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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