I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
