I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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