then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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