In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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