Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
