The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
