Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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