Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
