I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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