God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
