Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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