Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
