I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
