NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Naked Twister starts at high noon
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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