I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
