At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
