That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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