Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
being pregnant is like rehab
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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