I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
