I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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