I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
