Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
