You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
