Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
