Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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