need another drink. this is the easiest way
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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