There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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