So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
