he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
