i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
