Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
