i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
