She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize