two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
