he shaved USA in his pubs
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
