Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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